Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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