found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
