I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So vagazzling was a success
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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