I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize