My liver just broke up with me...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
