I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
