i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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