i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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