No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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