Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize