That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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