he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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