You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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