he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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