I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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