At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
