I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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