He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Did I show you my penis last night?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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