That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
