I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
