I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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