wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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