So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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