I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
well you can't waste a boner
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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