"it" just moved
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
