I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
