Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
