I'm really into asian looking animals
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
