Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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