I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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