honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
