I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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