im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
