dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
