I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
