Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
even my farts smell like vagina
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
