I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
