I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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