I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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