Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
