And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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