Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
