I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
