Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
