I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
