I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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