someone threw a dead crab at me
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Randomize
