a queef is a wish your heart makes.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
