I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Let's paint friendship bongs
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
