someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
