It's like a parade of train wrecks.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
