Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
