Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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