Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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