And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
