i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
