Do you still have your period?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize